As I have relayed my story, I have written about suppressed memories. For me, this was an area in which I struggled for some time. To suddenly remember something that happened decades ago is quite a shock and an extremely amazing phenomena.
The shock hits first like a 10-ton truck. There is no way to describe the unsettling feeling and grief. You know at the core of your being that what you just remembered is true. There is no doubt. That comes later.
Doubt is a curse for survivors with suppressed memories. Not only do people you share your experiences with questions you, but you end up questioning yourself. Please do not get me wrong here… a little fact checking of the memories is good. It keeps you sane and it is reassuring. But down right questioning a survivor’s memories is damaging to say the least.
Survivors need support, understanding, patience, love, and to be believed. The survivor herself will question the memory enough to know it is valid and there is a distinct difference between remembering an event that happened and one you imagine. The feeling is unquestionable.
For me, my suppressed memories have been an unfortunate blessing. It is unfortunate because of the questioning that I have received and the lack of support. However, I am blessed that I do not remember all the gory details. I don’t need to know them. I know enough. But I also have unique blessing, it is that my brother has told me things that I still don’t remember.
Weird, isn’t it? Someone has told me about parts of my life and I still have absolutely no recollection at all… zip, zero, zilch. The reason this is a blessing for me is that it gives reliability to my new memories. If I still don’t remember horrible things that I have been told, it is no surprise that there are other memories I am unaware of. This means that when I do remember something, I don’t question or doubt myself… as much. ❤
So the point of this blog for you? Talk to people. Ask your family and friends questions about your life during the years of the abuse. They may not know the details of your abuse, but they might fill in some interesting details.
It is an odd peace that I have with my memories… knowing there are ones in limbo, but knowing I am not crazy. It’s a blessing. ❤
This is my song for my memories (aka: ashes): Once and For All by Lauren Daigle
“See, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.” – Isaiah 65:17