Once again, I ask you to watch this short clip before you read today’s blog. “Everything” Drama from Cornerstone Ministries (11.13.11)
I am not unlike many survivors of childhood sexual abuse in the fact that this clip depicts my life. I very clearly remember sitting center stage in church the day they performed this. It was if they had a window into my soul and were speaking directly to my heart. I think I cried more that day at church than I ever had before. My life was in a shamble.
At that point, I was struggling and felt like I was being tugged in every direct except the one I wanted to go. I realized all the mistakes that I made, but was still only surviving day by day. I was wrapped up in so many errors in judgement that I needed to correct, but how could I when I barely able to keep my eyes above water? That is one of the biggest hurdles survivors face… fixing their mistakes.
When you descend into a nose-dive, your life is flying passed you and you are preparing to die. Then BOOM! You stop two feet before hitting the ground. You are trying to recover from what just happened, but your heart is racing, your head is spinning, you can’t breathe, you shake uncontrollably, and you are trying to make sense out of the shock of your life. Then someone sets you on your feet and says, “Go on,” and you are supposed to pick up where you left off like nothing ever happened. Well, I am here to say that it doesn’t happen that way.
The downfall, the picking up of the pieces, the recovery, the getting your life back in order… it’s a struggle and it takes time. And here is the unfortunate part that I have found… you never fully recover. You still bounce back and forward between the girl dancing with God and the girl being protected by God. Some weeks, I am more on my knees, crying, and looking for protection than others. Some weeks, I am dancing. The good news is the days turned into weeks and I have been fortunate enough to have weeks turn into years.
So, here I am today. Due to someone that I allowed in my life, I am back to weeks and because of those circumstances, I am fighting off new memories, which may take me back to days. But here is the silver-lining, I am going to survive this, even if I get bounced back to days. I know there are weeks and then years of me dancing with God out there to strive for.
I hope you know that too. ❤